I stated
numerous times that I developed this site as a memorial for
Raychel. I wanted to give her life and work the honor and
attention that she deserved but did not receive. However, I have
received an added benefit which I did not originally anticipate. I
have learned more about Raychel. Things which I should have known,
and maybe I already did but didn't want to admit to myself.
After her
murder, my refusal to discuss Raychel also denied me the opportunity to
delve deeper into our relationship and reflect upon it. But the
input received through this site has given me the opportunity to view
our relationship from several perspectives. Not only from the
perspective of someone who knew her, but from those of you who have
communicated with me through the
Questions
and Answers form on the site.
Julie
from Illinois thought that Kyle provided an escape from my
"clinging."
Marie
from Houston believed that I am blaming Kyle too much for Raychel's
death. While I disagree with their conclusions, I cannot deny
their opinions. That is where I have learned about Raychel, not
from expounding my personal beliefs, but from others reacting to them.
The reactions have caused me to reflect further upon my beliefs,
question them, and revise them. For that alone, I thank you for
visiting.
However,
today I will tell you one thing about Raychel that not even her closest
friends knew. She kept a secret that only I knew. Every time
she smiled, I liked to believe she was thinking about the secret.
That secret is already clearly printed here as well as on every page of
this site. Because I have not drawn attention to it as such,
you may have had a different opinion of the material presented before
this knowledge. And if you have visited the site a few times, you
have already taken this information for granted. But no one other
than Raychel and I knew about it until this site was started.
The
secret? That Raychel and I were married.
|
"...I
did not make a point of stating the secret nature of our marriage
here. By throwing open the doors on our relationship without
that knowledge, you may not have grasped the big picture accurately.
For that, I apologize." |
See, I told
you. You already took it for granted. But, please, think
deeper about the fact. Neither Raychel or I told anyone about our
marriage until the beginning of this memorial. And here is a
follow-up on that point: We never divorced, either.
I believe
that many of your misconceptions about me (as evidenced in the
Questions
and Answers section) have been mislaid because of my omission of
this facet. The fault is mine. Following Raychel's murder, I
made the fact public to my friends, so I did not make a point of stating
the secret nature of our marriage here. By throwing open the doors
on our relationship without that knowledge, you may not have grasped the
big picture accurately. For that, I apologize.
So perhaps
it is best that I use the balance of this article as an opportunity to
further discuss my relationship with Raychel Wagner. I will use
the next article to describe our relationship following Kyle
McAllister's insertion into our marriage, and how our marriage changed
but did not dissolve.
I have
already detailed the beginning of my relationship with Raychel during
August of 1997 in
"At First Sight."
Further details at this point are unnecessary and would only add to the
word count of this article. Sufficient to say that if you have not
read that article, please do.
If you have
already read
"At First Sight",
please know this: Despite my earlier statement that I would not
re-visit the article, I have. I'm glad that I did, because I
learned something about Raychel that I hadn't given myself the
opportunity to consider. I discovered the reason Raychel loved me.
What I was
able to provide her was something she couldn't receive anywhere
else: An Everlasting Embrace. Whenever Raychel needed
someone to be with her, to love her, I was there. My love re-charged
her emotionally and spiritually. Regardless of the
interference in our marriage from so many other sources, I was able to provide the stability she
needed to have in order for her to fight her demons and express herself
in her poetry. Even that first night, she knew that I was capable
of it.
I'm ashamed
to say that I cried the night I wrote the conclusion to
"At
First Sight." In retrospect, that was selfish and
short-sighted. But when I re-read the article and allowed the
possibility of thinking about our relationship from another perspective,
I couldn't help but see the truth right in front of me. I cried
again that night. But I am relieved to say that they were tears of
joy. She trusted me to be her Everlasting Embrace. That was
my role in her life. I should have known it then.
|
"...while
we were poor, we were not without means. Means meaning Laura,
who would help us to keep us out of debt and in town, else The
Bleeders would lose two of their three major contributors." |
Living with
Raychel was an experience unto itself. Raychel was like ether,
always around but never about. If I sought her out, she was
already out. In time, I learned that it was best to just wait for her. In due
time, she would appear. Sometimes I would find that she had been
living with Laura for a few days, just for a change of scenery.
Perhaps it seems as if she was flighty, or I was too needy and
prying. Choose your own opinion. What did it matter?
We were in love.
Then there
was the poetry in the apartment. Pages of it, just laying around
everywhere. Actually, the best of the poetry was just laying
around (preferably somewhere in her usual flight pattern from bed to
bathroom to kitchen to door). Many of her poems died less
honorable deaths. Half-doodled on notes could be found serving as
coasters for three-day old drinks or folded over and over to provide
support for the coffee table. She would say that she was punishing
those poems for not being better, "If it wasn't so bad, it wouldn't
have to sit around here, would it? It'd go out and earn a
living."
Which would
have been nice, since the two of us were dirt poor. Raychel would
do odd jobs while I could scrounge for temporary work. I can type
like fire burns, but I freely admit that I do not play well with others,
so it was the best that I could do. But while we were poor, we
were not without means. Means meaning Laura, who would help us to
keep us out of debt and in town, else The Bleeders would lose two of
their three major contributors.
Between
August of 1997 and February of 1998 I believed that we learned each
other's passions and quirks in enough entirety to propose
marriage. Raychel consented, provided that we keep the marriage
secret. While I was hesitant, I grew to enjoy the idea that our
marriage could become our little secret. So on February 14, 1998
(I know, how cute), we were married by a Justice of the
Peace. We had simple gold rings for the ceremony, but we never
wore them outside the apartment. I still have them.
I know what
you're thinking. They didn't wear their rings. They kept
their marriage secret from everyone. She lived wherever she wanted
and whenever she wanted. How is that a marriage? My answer
is very simple: It wasn't your marriage. Maybe Raychel did not respect the fidelity
aspect of
marriage -- I accept that and understand -- but she did love me
exclusively. I knew what I was
getting into, whether I admitted it to myself or not. She also
knew what she was getting, and took me for better and for worse.
That's what we had, which is all anyone ever has at best.
The marriage
didn't change the nature of our relationship until March 6, 1999.
If you recall from Laura's article, that was the date that Kyle
McAllister kidnapped Raychel from a meeting of The Bleeders and kept her
with him for three months. If you have not yet read it, please
read Laura's article,
"Kyle
Crystallized" for further details. I will not comment on
the events of that evening. Besides, Laura has stated the facts
plainly enough.
The Raychel
who returned with McAllister three months later was different from the
one who was kidnapped. She was changed down to her name. She
was no longer answering to Raychel Vanderhoff. Or even Raychel
Wagner for that matter. Neither were flashy enough for her new
chosen profession. The new name said it all about her new incarnation.
Raychel
Taurus was on the rise.
